Decision

"But I regarded the matter as something which had been decided and which now simply had to be carried out. I often used this method for deciding difficult cases. In stage one I entertain the thing purely as a hypothesis, and in stage two I count my stage one thinking as a fixed decision on which there is no going back. I recommend this technique to any of you who are not good at making decisions."

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That quote above is taken from internal monologue in Iris Murdoch's book, Under the Net. I place it here because I can relate to it, and I have definitely relied on this type of process many times in my life, maybe even every time that an important decision really was all mine and relatively unclear or even uncalled for (like, choosing a college, studying abroad, breaking up, moving, so many many other things, now going to South Korea for a year). 

When big changes land in our laps or enter our minds that can't be ignored, we're probably all like that. I'm grateful for the fictional character's eloquence though, because these sorts of things float murkily in my head with the feeling of being on the tip of my tongue but never forming, a sneeze that disappointingly disappears and offers no relief.

All this to say, I made the decision and I'm carrying it out, but I don't necessarily have the confidence in myself yet. If I focus too long on uprooting myself and doing it, I have a 7% panic (I judge this by looking at my panic-o-meter, which is a cute little gauge on my left arm, don't you have one?). 7% isn't really a big deal, but the fact that there is any panic is a little unnerving. I guess I feel unprepared, or unfit to teach a bunch of Korean kids. It's hard to differentiate from excitement, though, so maybe I'm just really amped up.